Bastille Day Special: French Films in a Nutshell

caro:

twentysomethingtales:

In combination with browsing the French Films section [of Netflix] and watching several of them, we came to realize that French movies fall into the following categories, almost exclusively:

1. Post WW2 stories of war heroes, or reconnecting, rebuilding. Fair enough.

2. Teachers, usually in the countryside, who are failed artists or geniuses, who expose the great talents of one or a body of students, and thus reclaim their glory.

3. Pools, which are often coupled with murder and questioning of sexuality.

4. Lesbians, threesomes, bisexuality, coming-of-age sexuality stories, which make up the bulk of the French films on Netflix. Sub-category: Strippers.

5. Cyrano de Bergerac, and other 17-18th century historical figures.

6. Gérard Depardieu. Self-explanatory.

(Note: Of course, this list applies mainly to contemporary films, and ignores the New Wave, Catherine Deneuve, and Brigitte Bardot. This is because these films are actually good)

So, knowing these themes, I have come up with the plot for France’s next blockbuster hit. It is as follows:

In 1946, Jean-Claude Dupont, a swimming teacher at a small school outside of Strasbourg has a secret: he is gay. Nightly, Napoléon appears to him a dream, telling him that he is a coward for hiding his sexuality, that coming out is nothing in compared to Napoléon’s conquests, and if at the 30 years of age, he could conquer and rule the French, then so too could Jean-Claude become master of his own world. The roles of Jean-Claude and Napoléon are played by Gérard Depardieu, naturally. But the overbearing town preacher, Père Moreau, is on an anti-homosexual tirade, constantly addressing its sins in his sermons. Yet, even under the watchful eye of the Catholic church, Jean-Claude struggles. As a swimming teacher for the boys of L’école de St. Clément, the young Jean-Claude struggles to look at his students without a rumbling in his loins. As a distraction, he concentrates his efforts on Audrey Tautou, the History teacher, who, in fact, has a dark sexual persona. She is a lesbian who moonlights as a stripper in the local speakeasy. One night, Jean-Claude follows Audrey Tautou to her strip job, and the two experience a connection, one that is brought about by a third party, an androgynous transsexual. All three fall in love and decide to shock the townspeople by declaring who they are. Le Père hears their cries in the town square, and comes out with a spear to kill them, stopping only before he jabs the heart of Jean-Claude, dropping his weapon, and commencing to cry, because he, too is gay. The threesome flees the town happily, off to Paris, where they rent a room in a huge apartment on the Canal St. Martin filled with International bohemians, that they love and come to call L’Auberge Espagnole.